TW: self harm

hey, hi, hello, ok so im scared to let my boyfriend see me naked, u have cuts and scars on my upper thighs from self harm, he doesnt know i do it. and im scared he may judge me, do guys normally judge self harm? xox

FYSE: I’ve had partners who have self harmed, and I never judged them. I’ve gotten this question quite a few times (I think I’ll actually add it to the FAQ) and every time I get a lot of followers that chime in about their partner who self harm or that they self harm and have great partners. Trust me, if your boyfriend is right for you he will love you and he won’t judge you.

TW: Self Harm

Anon: Hey, uhm, I don’t know if this question fits here, but I really need advice on this! I’m a cisf and together with my bf for about 7 months now. I used to self-harm myself often, but didn’t do it the last 10 months… until now. I cut my WHOLE body, like, you can’t hide this. This weekend we will definately have sex and he will definately see the scars and…I don’t know what to do. Or what to say. Help me! I’m scared he can’t handle that and things will become weird between us…

FYSE: I get a lot of questions like this who self harm, so know that you’re not alone. I’ve also dated people who self harm and did self harm in our relationship. Self Harm is a symptom, It shows physical evidence that someone is going through a difficult time emotionally. Whenever my partner self harmed I was more worried about how he felt and what was going on in his life and how we could work together to make things better than the fact that he self harmed. Many people understand self harm and won’t judge you for it and for you a good partner would be someone who would love you regardless. Just talk beforehand. Talk to him about your self harm and the fact that you relapsed (which, just so you’re not beating yourself up about it, relapse is a part of recovery, so you’re doing fine) and talk about what’s been going on that you felt the need to self harm. This will not only prepare him but also help him understand what you’re going through so he can help support you. 

TW: Self harm, suicide

Anon: So I’m going to be hooking up with this guy for casual sex and it’ll be my first time which is fine with me (to have it be non-committal. Tried relationships, didn’t really like them). The only probably I have is the issue of well, all my issues. I’ve been dealing with depression, self harm and suicidal idealization for about a year and a half now, and my scars are very visible and numerous over different parts of my body (arms, hips, stomach). I’m just not sure how to talk to him about it.

FYSE: Just be honest. I’ve had partners with self harm scars before and that’s what worked best. Just telling them “hey, I have self harmed so I have some scars. Just to let you know.”  That way it’s not a surprise and you can have the conversation when you’re not naked (and may feel more vulnerable). If he’s the right guy for sex he won’t judge you for your scars and he’ll find you attractive no matter what.

TW: eating disorder and self harm

Anon: i’m recovering from an eating disorder and self-harm, and they’ve both taken pretty harsh tolls on my body. i have trouble finding myself attractive anymore because every part of my body reminds me of my mental illness. it’s making me struggle with all my relationships and my sex drive. i want to date and have friends and have sex, i just don’t know how i can when i feel so unattractive.

FYSE: it’s great that you’re recovering, don’t let this make you feel bad. It can take a while to consider yourself attractive when you have trouble with that. I do have a post on how to recover from insecurities and start feeling better about your body. You just have to stop those automatic thoughts that tell you you’re not attractive and keep telling yourself you’re beautiful I have more on automatic thoughts here. It also helps to join communities on body positive and recovery. Here’s some good tumblrs I know:

body positive

takes-all-kinds

gtfothinspo

Stophatingyourbody

Fuckyeahawesomevulvas

Whatilovemostaboutmyself

Bodilydiversity

Vaginastuff

vanityisasocialconstruct

curvynerd

Mental Health/recovery

KeepCalmIPromiseItGetsBetter

Recoveryisbeautiful

because-icare

Safespacenetwork

Selfcare101

happyhealthypeople

Good luck, and if you ever need to talk we’re always here.

TW: Self Injury

Anon: Idk if you have any advice but I feel it is worth asking…I am a self harmer in recovery and my boyfriend is too. We do still have slip ups and so we need up with the products of our self harm on our bodies. We both want to have sex and would be gentle and slow and careful and don’t mind being bled on but are there are positions that might cause minimal damage when it is on his thighs and the majority of my body?

FYSE: I’m not 100% sure what this question was asking, I think some words may be missing. Are you saying what positions would cause the least amount of damage when there are fresh injuries on the majority of your boyfriend’s body? It’s best when you have fresh injuries to keep them clean and keep them covered. Avoid stressing them until they heal as much as possible. Really, comfort when it comes to positions depends on the individual. Try out different positions to see what works. Most positions are based on four main positions; missionary, doggy style, riding, and spooning. Just alter each position you try if it’s painful by shifting a little or using pillows to prop yourself up. Communicate to each other to help find the best position.

TW: Self harm

Anon: I self harm to regain my bodily autonomy. I know it’s not good, but I’m not ready to stop yet. my partner knows and understands why so he doesn’t try to stop me. He is there for me when I need him, I don’t have to hide or feel ashamed, I feel like he’s great about everything. Yesterday he said something though “There is a line between letting you make your own choices and being an enabler. I don’t know where that line is.” Can you shed some light on this? When does he become an enabler?

FYSE: I would honestly talk to him about it, because it sounds more like he’s afraid that he is enabling you to continue self harming. 

An enabler is someone who encourages through their actions destructive behavior, like someone buying an alcoholic liquor, giving someone the money to buy drugs, or buying drugs for someone. He may feel like what he’s doing is encouraging your self harming but that’s not necessarily true.

With things like self harm or eating disorders or substance abuse, your behavior is a symptom not the problem. What I and a lot of other resources say to do when your loved one has harmful behavior is to help them deal with the underlying problem. So in this case talking about how you feel about your body, whatever triggers your self harm behavior, and about bodily autonomy. Also encouraging you to seek help. Unless it gets bad enough that your life is in danger, it’s usually the opposite of helpful to do something like tell an adult or call a doctor on you or put you in a hospital against your will. That just destroys the trust and unless you’re in a place where you want to stop the destructive behavior you’re probably not going to stop. All that a loved one can do is be there for you, talk to you about what you’re going through and try to help get you to a place where you can stop. 

Hopefully this will help him feel less like an enabler. 

TW: self harm, sexual abuse

Anon: What do you think about sex as a method of self harm?

FYSE: As with any kind of self harm, self harm is just the symptom. The main issue is the trauma and emotions that cause the feelings of wanting to harm oneself. Many times after sexual abuse in particular survivors tend to masturbate or have sex as a means of reliving the trauma or punishing themselves because they believe they were at fault. Of course some survivors do this as a way of working through their trauma or just because they don’t know what else to do other than be sexual. The main thing is that it’s healthier regardless for survivors to work through their trauma and start to recover before becoming sexually active as sex can remind you of the trauma and you could end up hurting yourself. Of course that doesn’t always happen because many people don’t have the support or knowledge of how to deal with sexual abuse. I haven’t heard of sex as a method of self harm in any other context than after sexual abuse but again the main thing is to work through the feelings and why sex is a punishment for you and why you feel that you want to punish yourself.

Anonymous asked: Do you happen know of any blogs where I could get advice about figuring out my sexuality and blogs where I could get advice about self harm? Thanks.

In my FAQ I have a lot of various sexuality blogs

Gaywrites

Pansexualpride

projectqueer

Knowhomo

Iamnotharaam

Queercomrades

FCyeah

Glbthealth2012

Genderandsexualityawareness

t-r-a-n-s

loversintransition

LGBT-straightalliance

Fuckingqueeradvice

Transqueery

queermuslims

As far as self harm blogs go I follow a couple that deal with that. Of course they can be triggering so be aware of that. 

http://lets-bandage-it-up.tumblr.com/

http://mentalillness-directory.tumblr.com/

http://recoveryisbeautiful.tumblr.com/

Anonymous asked: Hi, could you throw some links down for people who are dealing with suicidal thoughts, self-harm, childhood trauma, mental trauma, and mental illness? It'd be really helpful for me at the moment...

Here are some tumblrs I follow that may help, http://recoveryisbeautiful.tumblr.com/ focuses on recovery from self harm, eating disorders etc, http://keepcalmipromiseitgetsbetter.tumblr.com/ is a mental health blog run by a medical student.

Here are some hotlines for the US: http://fuckyeahsexeducation.tumblr.com/post/6801160254/its-my-pleasure-just-in-case

Here are some non-US hotlines: http://fuckyeahsexeducation.tumblr.com/post/18748145042/non-u-s-hotline-numbers

If anyone else has any good resources let me know.

TW: self harm, BMI, measurements, statutory rape,

ANON: Hello! I wanted an honest opinion, for whether you think my boyfriend could be using me or not. I’m 16, he’s 23. We see each other MAYBE once a month, and we are sexually active. We’ve been dating for a little over 4 months. We talk (through text) pretty much 24/7, from the time we wake up until the time we go to sleep. He is aware that I’m trying to lose weight, and he has set a rule that my BMI is not allowed to go under 18.5. He’s constantly saying things like “I can’t wait until you’re 18 so we can go on adventures together.” He’s really into flying and has told me he really wants to take me in a plane as soon as he gets his pilot license. He’s totally straight edge, hardly drinks, and has never done drugs. He doesn’t go to parties either. I’m pretty sure I’m the only underage girl he’s dated. I’m also the only person that’s smaller than him that he’s dated. I’m 4’11” he’s 5’4”. I am a recovering smoker and cutter, and he fully supports my recovery. He’ll always say he’s proud of me for not relapsing. We have admitted our interest for D/s play in bed. Last month when we saw each other he saw that I had recently cut when he was ABOUT to tie me up, but he stopped and just asked if we could cuddle. He put disinfectant on it and everything. He’s a little insecure, but mostly self confident. He has mentioned that he likes my hair more when it’s straightened, but I can’t blame him. xDD He doesn’t compliment me excessively, but he’s also really introverted so I can understand that too. We did break up about a week ago because I told him that our relationship wasn’t worth him going to jail, but we got back together because I admitted that I was sort of hoping he would say it was. He said he didn’t want to force me back into something if I wasn’t comfortable with it. Also, the first time we had sex it was initiated by me. He had said before that he was totally fine with us staying abstinent until I was 18. I’m sorry if this was annoying. I just really wanted an opinion, as most older guys only date younger girls because they want sex or are emotionally immature. He’s also pretty smart, in my opinion, and if I make grammar mistakes or the like he’ll correct me (which I enjoy). Okay. Sorry. Done. (>////<)

FYSE: Okay so a lot of info here. First off any time YOU have doubts in a relationship is a red flag. Definitely take the time to reevaluate your relationship. Secondly it’s very dangerous to have a relationship when one is under age because depending on where you live both of you could get legally in trouble. It seems like he respects your boundaries which is important. If he makes you do anything you don’t want to that’s a huge red flag as well. Definitely communicate your needs and wants in the relationship as well as any insecurities you may have. Also, it’s good for both of you to remember that relapse does happen and although it’s great to be proud when you haven’t relapsed you can’t beat yourself up about it if you do relapse because that will make recovery harder. Make sure that you’re getting what you need and that you are safe.

TW: Self Harm

Anon: Regarding your “My Body Is Mine” post… Any tips on discouraging kids from self-injury without shaming them or making them feel bad or making them feel they don’t have body autonomy?

FYSE: The thing about self injury is that it’s usually just a symptom. It’s the way that a person copes with horrible things going on or mental illness or any other problems. We need to be addressing THOSE problems and teaching healthy coping mechanisms and teaching people that they’re not alone and they can and are deserving of help.

TW: Self Harm

Anon: i know you arnt here for advice but i cut again tonight theres no other way to numb this pain. im told to talk about it with people but wouldnt that be seeking attention… i just dont know who to turn to anymore..

FYSE: there is nothing wrong with seeking attention. Seriously, if you’re hurting you deserve to have people pay attention to you and help you. Cutting is just a symptom to a bigger problem. If you ever need to talk to someone about your problems my email is FYSexeducation@gmail.com. there is also http://keepcalmipromiseitgetsbetter.tumblr.com/ which is a great mental health blog. If you can, therapy can really help with self harm and the problems that come with it.

TW: Self harm

Anon: I watched my cis-male boyfriend inflict pain on himself, this morning. He wouldn’t stop hurting himself. I had to get on top of him and pin his arms down and I begged him to stop, even then, he continued (when I let him go). I started bawling my eyes out and then he stopped, and was in a very depressive mood. He’s NEVER done this nor has a history of doing this, and he’s almost 23. I think he was doing it to solely upset me since I’m EASILY affected by that stuff. Did I do something wrong? :(

FYSE: first of all, you need to talk to him about why he was doing this. Self harm is not a light thing and he probably needs help. Usually self harm is caused by very powerful feelings that need to be expressed and that’s the easiest way they know how. A lot of times with therapy and support they can find healthier ways. If, however, he was doing this to hurt or manipulate you that is a form of abuse and I would suggest getting out of that relationship as soon as possible.