TW: suicide

Anon: hi i’m agender with female parts and i honestly feel like killing or at least hurting myself a lot because i hate my body and there is literally nothing i can do about it and i feel like it’s not worth living if i can never be happy. i’ve tried to “get used” to being a girl for many years - i knew i didnt want anything down there from a young age - but that just makes it worse. please, is there anything i can do at all?

FYSE: There are many things that non binary people can do to feel better about their body. First would be to figure out what triggers that dysphoria. In other words, what do you feel your body should look like? If your periods or fertility are a trigger you can get a hysterectomy. Until you are able to you can go on birth control and use it to skip your periods (for more info on that, message back). If your breasts are a trigger you can get top surgery. I’m genderqueer so sometimes I like my breasts and sometimes I don’t. I’ve found that binding is painful and just not something I can do often enough to be happy so I am thinking about getting top surgery. On the days I want breasts I can wear inserts. For me that is easier than binding, although others may feel differently. If you feel your genitals should look differently you can have certain surgeries for that. You can also do hormone therapy. There aren’t as many places that cater to non binary identities but more and more there are surgeries and therapies to help us as well. I’d suggest going to a gender friendly therapist (I can help you find one in your are) and tell them about your situation and your depression and suicidal thoughts and they will refer you to doctors in your area and also help you with your depressive thoughts. 

Anonymous asked: to the hetgirl who finds both genders attractive: it could be because when looking at other women, you see things that you find appealing in the way you find it attractive almost for yourself, "oh that looks really good on her", whereas when looking at males you're looking for sexually aesthetics, "oh he looks like he'd be a good lover" or something like that? even if its subconscious.

there are more than two genders, but yes

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: I'm a heterosexual girl, but I find people of all genders aesthetically attractive. Is it normal that most of the men I find attractive tend to share similar features, body types, and coloration (not always, but usually), but there's a lot more variation among the women I find attractive? I see tons of women of different shapes/sizes/colors that I think are beautiful, but it's pretty rare that I see a man I find attractive, even though I'm only romantically/sexually attracted to men.

That’s very common! A lot of heterosexual women find women more aesthetically attractive!

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: I am a transguy who can't work on passing in my current life situation. (I live with my strictly fundie parents and have no current way to get out.) Do you have any tips on making myself feel more male and/or dealing with dysphoria without revealing myself to them? I'm fine somedays, and then others I'm a wreck. I can't bind or do therapy or anything until I move out, which is going to be a while from now. I'm stuck masquerading as a female and it's driving me nuts.

I’m genderqueer and have days where I am a man and can’t bind or anything because of health issues so I understand the feeling. What helps me is thinking of my body in terms that fit my gender. Thinking as if I have a chest and penis, and acting like I do. Wearing clothes I’m comfortable in helps as well (layering is your best friend to hide your chest). If you wear loose pants or even skirts you can pack, put a small sock in between two layers of underwear. That way you feel more “masculine” and it can be relatively easy to hide. I use cloth menstrual pads and they give me the feeling of a slight bulge because they’re thick which makes the dysphoria of having my period a little less intense. Also, focus on being more comfortable in your self. Something I do is watch the way that men walk and hold their body and try to emulate that. It can make you feel more “masculine” and it’s more subtle. Having a good community that does respect your identity helps as well, even if it’s only online.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: this isn't exactly a sex education question, but it's been bothering me. i identify as gender neutral, but my cis girlfriend only likes my body because it has womanly features.. she loves my personality, but is physically attracted to me because of my girl-like figure. it makes me feel like crap. what do i do?

Talk to her about it! Here’s a good dialogue to try:

(girlfriend’s name) When you (pick something she does in this context, like tell you she is attracted to your “feminine” features) this makes me feel (whatever feeling you have, depressed, sad, angry) because it makes me think (whatever you think, like that she doesn’t take your gender seriously). Let her know you’re insecure about this and explain how your identity affects you and how important it is for you to have it taken seriously. Ask her her thoughts and feelings.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: Lesbian here. My girlfriend lets me go through her phone and while, I do trust her, I simply got bored today and found messages from a year ago from her ex. In the messages the ex stated "you need to make sure you're honest in your next relationship about everything, especially the sex change because the one you're with should live you whether you're a boy or a girl". It dawned on me that my girlfriend may want to actually be.. My boyfriend. I'm having a hard time processing it and feel terrible

What is it that you’re feeling right now? It may be a good idea to tell your partner what happened so that you can talk it through. It’s impossible to know from one text what’s happening, so it’s best to discuss it with your partner. It can take a while for a trans* person to understand their gender and be comfortable enough to share about it. I’ve known people through their transition into understanding their gender and it can take years for them to be able to verbalize it and then more years to really figure out how they identify and what they want to do about their gender identity. Don’t attack them or pressure them, just ask them what’s going on. Remember, as their partner it’s important to know what’s going on in their life and be able to support them. 

-FYSE

Made Rebloggable Upon Request: Children and Gender

Anonymous asked: My nephew is 3 and likes dressing up and wearing make up and nail polish but has never said anything about feeling like a girl. My sister thinks he’s in a dress up phase and is supportive but could he be trans?

He may be, but it could just be a phase. You can’t really tell with children, that’s why it’s important to let them be whoever they want to be and let them choose how to dress, what toys to play with, and respect whatever identity they have and the changes that may go through. My 3 year old brother loves dressing up, make-up, nail polish, the color pink, and princesses. He also loves getting messy, superheroes, sports, pirates, and weapons. None of these things are “girl” things or “boy” things. Remember, objects don’t have a gender, people do. A person can like any range of things and that says nothing of their gender identity. Just let them be them so they’ll no that they don’t have to be a certain way and they know that you’ll love them no matter who they are.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: I'm a girl (meaning I have a vagina). I identify as one. Why? Because of what I've been born with between my legs. I have no problem whatsoever with being referred to as a girl, or a female. I don't feel uncomfortable with having breasts and a vagina (sometimes breasts, but only bc they're heavy and they sag and it's so not cool, neither is wearing bras). But I also wouldn't have trouble whatsoever being referred to as a man if I was born with a penis. Gender doesn't matter at all to me. (...)

 I couldn’t care less what gender people address me to. But I’ve always, all my life, had a huge penchant for masculine things. Male toys, male clothes, male activities. I have a preference for the male figure (both in what I’m attracted to and what I’d like to look). I just feel like I’m very masculine and everyone says so. And if I could choose what sex I’d be before birth, I’d choose male anytime. I’d like to be a man, both because I like their figure and so that I could fit in. So that I wouldn’t get weird looks for having short hair and wearing men clothes (I don’t now, but I’d like to. But wouldn’t crossdress, just cause I find it weird). But it’s a preference, you know? It’s a matter of what I like better, not of “oh my god, I hate my female body”. I’d prefer to be male, but have no problem being female. Does that mean I’m transgender? Even if I don’t care one bit what gender I’m asserted to? I’d just always identify as what’s between my legs and no problem.

FYSE: Gender is really complicated and made up of various different aspects, some of which you touch on here. Really, your gender just comes down to how you identify. If you identify as a girl then you’re a cis woman. Many cis women are “masculine”, the concepts of masculinity and femininity are totally social constructs. Clothes, hairstyles, and activities don’t have a gender, people do. Transgender and gender variant people feel like the doctor was wrong when they said they were a certain sex, if you don’t feel the doctor was wrong and you identify as a woman then you are cis gender.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: My nephew is 3 and likes dressing up and wearing make up and nail polish but has never said anything about feeling like a girl. My sister thinks he's in a dress up phase and is supportive but could he be trans?

He may be, but it could just be a phase. You can’t really tell with children, that’s why it’s important to let them be whoever they want to be and let them choose how to dress, what toys to play with, and respect whatever identity they have and the changes that may go through. My 3 year old brother loves dressing up, make-up, nail polish, the color pink, and princesses. He also loves getting messy, superheroes, sports, pirates, and weapons. None of these things are “girl” things or “boy” things. Remember, objects don’t have a gender, people do. A person can like any range of things and that says nothing of their gender identity. Just let them be them so they’ll no that they don’t have to be a certain way and they know that you’ll love them no matter who they are.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: I'm a cisfemale and I'm in a long term relationship with a transmale. I've always considered myself straight, but since my boyfriend is DFAB, does that change my orientation? Since heterosexual ends in "sexual" and not "gender", does it refer specifically to the genitals (meaning a heterosexual woman is attracted to penises while a homosexual woman is attracted to vulvas rather than being attracted to male or female genders)?

“Sexual” refers to the kind of attraction. Sexual Orientation is based on you being sexually attracted to certain genders, meaning you are attracted based on wanting to be sexual with them. Heterosexual and most other orientations are based on gender, meaning if you’re a heterosexual woman you are attracted to anyone who identifies  as men. There are specific orientations based only on genitals and other “sex” determinents which would be androsexual and gynosexual.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: Re: gender confusion. I think society makes way too big of a deal about gender. Be who you want to be. Wear what you'd like. Date who you'd like.

Yes, you really don’t have to choose a label if you don’t want to, but it can feel good to know that other people feel the same way or have a community of people that understand you when people in your life may not. Tumblr is pretty much the only part of my life that accepts and understands me being Genderqueer. I have one friend in real life that uses the correct pronouns and that’s really it, so it can help feel less alone if you can vocalize who you are and other people are cool with that.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: I'm female bodied but never felt like I fitted into it, only recently I realized not aligning with the female gender was an option. I always really saw myself as a he/It. But I don't mind if people misgender me if I know who I am, but recently I've felt a bit unconfident in it. I like girly clothes and lolita lifestyle, but also I feel like I wouldn't want to be male just because I don't like anal but have no idea what it'd really feel like to have a penis. I'm starting to question myself..

There are many different aspects of gender which I talk about a lot in my video on gender. How you present, in other words how you act and how you dress, have very little to do with your actual gender. A good way to think about it is clothes don’t have a gender. People can wear whatever clothes they’re comfortable with and it says nothing about their gender. Sex and sexual activities have absolutely nothing to do with gender. Not liking anal in no way makes you more female. Many women love anal, many men (even gay cis men) hate it. How you see your body and your genitals has some affect on gender, as does how you want to be seen and what pronouns you prefer. Only you can tell if you’re something other than cis, there are many different options besides man and woman, and you can read about some of them here in my post Trans with an Asterisk or watch my videos.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: If a transmale or transfemale goes through sex reassignment surgery, would they then be considered cis?

No, cis is when your designated sex (meaning what the doctor proclaimed you to be when they saw you) does match up with your gender (the way you feel). So even though their genitals now match their gender, their designated sex is still whatever it was.

Plus on the social level they are still not viewed as cis and they suffer through oppression just like any other trans* person. There is “passing privilege” where you pass as your gender and people treat you as your gender but that only goes so far.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: i've been thinking a lot about my gender identity lately and i don't really know how i feel. i call myself cisf but i'm not sure if i am. i don't think i'm trans persay, i just feel like i may be a little outside the binary or something? i don't mind being called "she/her" etc and i love dressing very feminine but that's obviously not what defines a woman. am i overthinking this? how could i tell my bf about this when before i told him i'm cis? how do you describe feeling like a certain gender?

Gender is really ambiguous because a lot of it is based on societal norms that aren’t correct. Gender presentation, for example, is how you dress and act. Clothes and actions don’t even have a gender! It’s just that our society views them a certain way. Trans* and Cis people can all have any kind of gender presentation. Another aspect of gender is how you identify with your body. Many trans* people may feel like the way their body looks doesn’t always mesh up with the way they feel it’s supposed to look. Again this can partially be based on societal norms, but not always. For me, it’s not that I want to necessarily look more “masculine”, it’s that I literally forget that my body looks this way and think it looks another way which is a really weird feeling. It can also be based on how you want others to treat you. For me every time I get called “miss” or someone uses female words to describe me it’s like a knife in my stomach because I know that they don’t see me the way I see me.

It’s different for everyone, no one can tell you what your gender is but you. There are a lot of identities that don’t necessarily fall under the trans* umbrella, like gender-flexible, gender-ambiguous, androgyne, genderqueer, gender nonconforming, etc.

I explain some about gender in this post, Trans with an Asterisk

As far as how to talk to your boyfriend, just tell him how you feel. Say you’ve been thinking a lot about gender and tell him what you’ve been thinking about. Just be honest and open. Don’t worry too much about labels, but rather how you feel.

-FYSE

Anonymous asked: i've always identified as a cisf growing up. i am in my twenties now, and learning more about diff sexualities and that i might be in a grey area. i tend to gender-bend with my appearance and i'm finding myself attracted to a wide range of genders though i've only been with cism. i prefer a penis during sex but i've been lately longing for a stimulating relationship with a woman, in which sex may have to come secondary if at all. is there perhaps a term for my sexuality? this is all so new!

Okay well first off gender and sexuality are two very different things that have nothing to do with each other.

Your sexual orientation is based on what gender of people you are sexually attracted to, attracted based on wanting to be sexual with them. It has nothing to do with what genitals you like or who you’ve had sex with, it’s just what gender. There are other kinds of attraction; romantic, aesthetic, and sensual but for your sexual orientation all that matters is who you’re sexually attracted to. You may find people aesthetically attracted but that doesn’t mean you want to have sex and be in a relationship with them. You may be romantically attracted to certain genders but that doesn’t mean you want to have sex with them, and the reverse is also true.

As to gender, what matters is how you want people to see you as and sometimes how you feel about your body. It’s not necessarily about what clothes you wear. If you just like playing with your gender presentation that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not cis female, it just means that you don’t play by gender rules and that’s great. Gender shouldn’t have rules. If you think it’s something more than that check out my post Trans with an Asterisk

-FYSE